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Revising Tips
by Laurie Richards
26
Over and Under Writing.
There are some details the writer can presume will be filled in by the reader’s experience and other details that the writer should never leave to the reader’s imagination. A writer may choose to leave scenic values, minor or cliche characters and some action to be filled in by the reader’s imagination. An essential emotional or mental response by a major character or by a minor character at a pivotal moment should always be directed by the writer with clarity in his or her prose.
Example: When Grandma walked into the living room, neither her grandson slumped in an armchair, nor her son noisily guzzling beer on the threadbare sofa, so much as glanced at her.
Nothing more needs to be said about the values of the household – poor posture, crude manners and rude behavior say enough to allow the reader to fill in a complete mental picture.
Example: Justin’s dad strode across the living room and slapped him so hard he fell against the coffee table. ―You’re no son of mine if you marry her.‖ Justin ducked when his dad raised his arm again.
The father’s anger is clear, but what is Justin’s emotional reaction? He’s bound to have one, and it shouldn’t be left to chance. Is he angry? So angry, he forms murderous intentions? Fearful that he won’t be able to marry his love? Hurt? The attentive writer will not leave the result ambiguous for the reader. Justin's emotional response should be shown through his actions or dialogue or internally or even all three as long as the writing isn't redundant.
Tip: If a passage is difficult for you to write (you, the creator of all things in the story), it will also be difficult for the reader to fill in the gaps. Don’t avoid the difficulty by leaving it to the reader’s imagination.
25
The Glanceback.
The glanceback may be only a few sentences or a phrase or phrases that are generally much shorter than the flashback. ―Harry decided to tell Sally how much he loved her. He had loved her since their first date when she had turned somersaults on her front lawn.‖ ―[W]hen she had turned somersaults on her front lawn‖ is a glanceback to that first date.
Glancebacks slow the action, but can be effective to round out a character and provide insight into his or her feelings.
Tip: Use the glanceback sparingly so that the stilted past perfect does not bog down your writing.
24
Contractions in Dialog.
Listen to the conversations around you. Contractions are the norm, not the exception. Your character's dialog and internal thoughts should behave the same way. If you are a writer who seldom uses contractions in your own speech, that’s not a reason to inflict the same formality on all or most of your characters.
Tip: Curry contractions in dialogue and internal monologues, particularly with first person narrators.
23
Viewpoint Intrusion. Certain words or phrases insert the viewpoint character into a scene and turn it into narrative instead of scene. Which example brings the reader closer to the scene?
– I remember that I walked for hours in the soft rain. When I saw the sign for her street, I turned the corner and saw two policemen leaning against her fence. I noticed a man in a raincoat exit a police car and stroll toward them.
– I walked for hours in the soft rain and turned the corner near her house. Two policemen leaned against her fence. A man in a raincoat exited a police car across the street and strolled toward them.
Tip: Avoid intrusion of the viewpoint character. Let the character show the scene to the reader. Words like “remember” and “notice” often introduce telling instead of showing. Phrases like “I could see” or “I could smell” or “I could hear” do the same.
22
In and Out of the Flashback.
Flashbacks always slow the action; thus, a character trying to elude a
killer ordinarily should not flashback to bygone days during flight. His
focus should remain on escape. A trip down memory lane should be saved
for after the escape. To signal a move into a flashback, the tense should
be changed. Often, the past perfect must be used, and it's a tense that
can make the writing stilted. For example, if the story is told in past
tense, the flashback will be introduced by use
of the past perfect tense. The past perfect (also known as pluperfect)
signals readers that an event is being told which precedes
the time of the action. The reader does not need many signals; once you
have established you are relating a flashback, switch to past tense again
until you are ready to end the flashback. You may need to signal the end
by a return to the past perfect.
For example: “When we were kids,
we enjoyed our holidays at the shore. [past tense] One Christmas
Jane had brought all our Christmas presents with her and had hidden them
in the crawlspace. [past perfect] The high tide lashed against
the house that night and leaked into the crawlspace. [Past tense]
... [continuing in past tense] We tried to hide our long faces when
we opened our soggy presents. Jane had been embarrassed, but she had loved
us for it. [past perfect and the flashback ends]”
Tip: Use flashbacks for a story reason. When you do, make sure you intend to slow the action for a story reason. Use as little of the past perfect tense as possible for clarity to move in and out of the flashback.
21
Tension from Tense Shifts.
There are several different tenses, and some are hard to master. Without
getting into the esoterical pluperfect, past imperfect, etc., there are
three tenses so easy to grasp that most readers will sense improper shifts
between them: Past, present and future. Jimmy rubs Karen's toes [present tense], and she reached up to touch his hair [past tense].
Or: Karen reaches up to run her fingers through Jimmy's hair [present
tense], and Jimmy will swat her hand away [future tense]. For
heaven's sake, make a decision on your tense.
Tip: Choose a tense for a story reason; i.e., for the most dramatic effect, and stick to it. Exceptions: Glancebacks or flashbacks, which are discussed in Tip 22.
20
Perturbing POV Shifts. Whether or not you know what “POV”
means, this tip is essential to the revision process. Nothing will confuse
a reader more quickly than erratic switches in points of view (“POV”).
The topic deserves a book in its own right, and there are a few dedicated
to the subject. Frequently in the work of beginning, intermediate and
even advanced writers, awkward POV shifts occur. For example: When a sentence
or paragraph begins in one person's POV and ends in another's. Glen
liked the shape of Amy's belt buckle, but Amy figured he was looking at
her navel. In one sentence, the reader is expected to be in the head
of Glen and shift immediately to inside Amy's head. The shift was unnecessary.
Another instance of an awkward shift: The bulk of the scene is in one
character's head, but once or twice there's a shift in and out of another
character's head.
Tip: Always choose POV for a story reason; e.g., for the most dramatic effect so that the scene or story is best told from the POV selected. There should be no quick shifts. When there is a shift, it must be a knowing choice, not careless writing, and there should be a story reason for it. Recommended reading: The Power of Point of View," by Alicia Rasley, a Writer's Digest publication.
19
Character Counts. In “olden” days, a practice
developed of describing characters' physiques and personalities in large
chunks early in the story. Resist that urge. Carefully release information
on the character in a manner that will further the story: Fernando tweaked
his sister's nose. “Not so hard,” she said. “You'll
make it bigger.” “Nah,” he said. “It'll stay small
and pretty forever.” That exchange not only tells the reader
something about Fernando's and his sister's personalities, it conveys
information about his sister's looks (her nose is pretty) and characterizes
the kind of relationship they have (playful, affectionate).
Tip: Feed information on a character's looks and personality through his deeds or through how other characters react to her or treat her.
18
Fascinating Rhythm. Vary the lengths and structure of
your sentences to create pleasing rhythms.
For a worst-case example: Jane is a teacher. She teaches third grade.
She works hard at school. She works at Emerson.
Those four sentences not only share the subject-verb format, they are
all five syllable sentences. Three of them begin with the same word, and
two of them share the same first two words. The rhythm and sounds created
are boring. If the sentences aren't combined into one (Jane works hard
teaching third graders at Emerson), they should at least be varied in
length and structure: A dedicated teacher, Jane enjoys her third-grade
students. She works long hours at Emerson Elementary to help them.
Tip: Read your work aloud to yourself and others to listen for the rhythms – the sound of your work.
17
Strings of Prepositions. The use of prepositional phrases
gets out of hand in the long run and turns a potentially profound observation
into one that is heavy and down in the dumps. How many prepositional phrases
in that last sentence? More than needed to convey the point. It could
have stated: Too many prepositional phrases bury an interesting observation.
Tip: If a sentence has more than two prepositional phrases--especially
in sequence (e.g., "out of hand in thr long run"), revise to
remove some. Reach for active verbs to carry the weight.
16
More on Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda. When you know a reason
for a “rule,” it's easier to break bad habits and follow the
rule. Revising Tip 14 discussed the use of words like “would,”
“should” and “could.” In his helpful book, Techniques
of Fiction Writing: Measure and Madness (Anchor Books, Doubleday &
Company, Inc. (1968)), Leon Surmelian explained the reason to avoid those
words in a scene. Use of words, such as would, often, used to, always,
every now and then, could and should are not used in scene because they
turn the scene into a summary.
For example: Jane could see Bill driving the car into a brick retaining
wall is summary, whereas, Bill drove the car into the brick retaining
wall is scene. Perhaps another way to look at it: The first sentence example
is telling, and the second sentence is showing. The second sentence is
more immediate for the reader than the first.
Tip: Global search for words that turn opportunities for showing into
telling.
15
Useless Abstractions. Jane was very beautiful. Ben was
so sad. It was a mysterious death. They really hated to leave. Really?
Those four sentences are devoid of details and leave us only with the
author's opinion. They violate a dedicated writer's first credo: Show.
Don't tell.
For example. Show us that Jane is beautiful by placing her physical attributes
in action: When Jane walked past my library table, the men across from
me stopped reading and watched her until she had moved out of sight.
Tip: Do a global search for words like, “very,” “felt,”
“sad,” or “really.” Revise to include concrete,
visual details.
14
Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda. To develop a strong voice in
your writing, you need to use strong words. Compare (a) with (b)
(a) During his first year in college, he would skip breakfast in the morning
so that he could save money for boozing every night.
(b) During his first year in college he skipped breakfast every morning
and saved the money for boozing every night.
The “would” and “could” in (a) added nothing;
they were useless words. Good agents and editors will view manuscripts
riddled with useless words as amateurish or careless writing.
Tip: Do a global search for words like, “would,” “could,”
“should,” “seem,” or “seemed.” Revise
to strengthen the verbs.
13
Syntax Fix. Syntax refers to the way in which words are
put together to form constituent elements, such as phrases or clauses.
A syntax error frequently committed–by writers at every level–is
to use a misplaced modifier. Misplaced modifiers are a tip to the agent
or publisher that the writing is amateurish. Dropping his briefcase, Harold
ran after the robber. A correct reading means that Harold dropped his
briefcase and ran at the same time. He didn't. Harold dropped his briefcase
and then ran after the robber. Write it right.
Tip: Examine your gerunds. Gerunds (noun formed from a verb) bury the
verb, as in “dropping”). Gerunds often show up in a misplaced
modifier. They have their place, which is to describe an action, state
or process occurring at the time of observing it. Don't bury the verb
unless called for.
12
Fictional Diction. Writers at every level commit diction
errors; i.e., they choose the wrong word. For example: Lance Armstrong
is an imminent athlete. “Imminent” means “about to occur,”
and the author probably does not mean that Lance Armstrong is an athlete
who's about to occur. In the italicized sentence, the correct word is
“eminent.”
Tip: A writer's reference library should include a good dictionary of
contemporary English usage, such as one published by Harper's or the Oxford
University Press. No one knows when his or her diction is wrong, so, having
purchased the usage dictionary, the writer should refer to it, browse
it, scan it, if possible. (By the way, as a point of diction,“scan”
is not a substitute for “browse” and does not always involve
a computer. Look up "browse" and "scan" to appreciate
the difference between the two words.)
11
Positive, Not Negative. Negative expressions are too
often evasive and imprecise. “He wasn’t being careful”
is stronger when expressed as: “He was careless.” Usually,
positive sentences are more interesting than the negative. “He was
not nice to his wife,” is less interesting than “He was mean
to his wife.” Notice the impact of using a stronger verb. If you
can get rid of the "to be" verb as well, so much the better,
as in: “He brutalized his wife.”
Tip: A negative statement might be interesting for effect – once
in a while. Most of the time, keep to the positive.
10
Show, Don't Tell What a Character Looks Like. Descriptions of characters might be a breeding ground for telling instead of showing. “Hal was a tall man.” That's telling us your opinion, not showing us an image of Hal. Put in some action or another character's reaction, and you'll engage the reader.
Showing:
"Hal ducked his head when he walked through the kitchen doorway."
He touched her bare shoulder. "This freckle looks like the State
of Georgia," he said.
Tip: Where possible, especially with major characters, substitute actions or reactions that will show the reader what the character looks like.
9
Lists. When you see a list in either fiction or non-fiction, do you read it? Often not. The reader's eye searches for where the list ends.
Nonfiction Example: When the archeological team finished at the site, it had uncovered several structural parts of the castle, which included several walls, the donjon, timber stanchions, the keep, a well, a tannery, and a cemetery.
The Listing in Nonfiction: When the archeological team finished at the site, it had uncovered, not only the castle walls, but:
• A donjon, or watchtower, with room for at least eight guardsmen
• Timber stanchions from the drawbridge
• Three intact walls of the castle keep
• A well outside the castle walls that had been built of rough-hewn stones with Celtic symbols carved into them
• A tannery that still had a huge vat intact with bits of leather clinging to it
• A cemetery with pits into which corpses had been laid on top of each other.
Tip: If you must list, make it visually alluring – with bullets, interesting details, or both.
8
Attributions. Some writers try to vary speaker attributions by adding an adverb or verb or both; e.g., “Look out,” she chirped noisily. The reader wants interesting the dialogue, not the attribution. First, you can't chirp or smile words. Second, the dialogue should carry the message; e.g., “For cripes sake, look out, there's a mountain about to fall on you,” she said. The "chirped noisily" type of attribution isn't coming from the character; it's the author's opinion and violates the "show, don't tell" guideline.
Many agents and editors perceive that the use of adverbs or verbs other than said in speaker attributions is the sign of amateurish writing. Elmore Leonard's third rule of writing says: Never use anything other than said. A different attribution is the author sticking his nose in.
Tip: “He/she said” is usually sufficient for speaker attributions in dialogue.
7
Abuse of Adverbs. How many times have we been told to “show, don't tell.” An adverb is often used to tell instead of show and is a missed opportunity for stronger writing. In many instances, an adverb is the easy way out, the sign of lazy writing to an agent or editor. Examples:
– “Stop,” he said angrily.
– He walked slowly down the street.
Tip: Construct dialogue that conveys the emotion. In the first example, the adverb can be dropped with stronger dialogue,such as:“Stop or I'll smash your face in,” he said.
Tip: Reach for a verb that conveys the meaning of the adverb. In the second example a more interesting verb replaces the tired adverb "slowly." He sauntered down the street.
* * * *
Laurie Richards is an attorney whose analytical skills enhance her understanding of the writing craft. A writing instructor for the Extended Learning Institute, California State University San Marcos, she also lectures on writing and provides editing services. Laurie has judged short stories for the San Diego Book Awards and is now the Judging Chair. She’s published short stories and garnered several awards for her fiction